Ok so this may be a little bit long I hope I dont bore you to death reading!!! :s

So, I met my ex last March, we were both taking a class together. When we met she immediately opened up to me & told me a lot about her past ( She had her first GF in high school who left her 3 yrs later & cheated on her, they stayed as friends & her ex introduced her to this girl, they hit it off and start dating ,her mom moved to another country so she moved in with this chick she had just met, they lived together for almost 2 yrs, At one point my ex started working in a new place and she met this girl whom she seemed to like and that’s when she realized she didn’t love her gf anymore, but she stayed there anyways ,she and her ex-whom she was living at the time with- were having lots of issues so one day she moved out,her ex started cutting herself and made a scene saying she would kill herself etc etc, my ex didn’t go back & moved into her grandmas where she currently lives,3 months later she started dating this girl from work that she liked ,but turns out that this girl had a gf in another country and was lying & cheating so they broke up and my ex went back to the girl she was living with, all though she said they werent "together" as a couple but still she sometimes felt obligated to have "intimacy" with her. After her ex found out that she had dated someone after she moved out she started abusing my ex, hitting her and such.She stayed in that situation for a long while until she met me. When she met me she had stoped talking to her ex a week before. We kept dating and getting to know eachother,I never thought this would have any repercussion in our relationship since I was giving her all her ex wasnt, I was treating her like a princess .But her ex kept calling and texting & I didn’t see her make much effort to keep her out of our lives ,the only thing i saw was texts saying "stop texting me" etc. After 2 months we were already a couple, we only got to spend a month more together before summer started & i would go on a month long trip to Spain & she would go to Cuba. Before me leaving I started noticing some shifts in her behavior ,she wasn’t as detail oriented as she was when we met,I felt like I was giving more than I was recieving,her ex was always present (texts,calls etc) AND a big issue was the fact that she would be smoking pot ALL the time.When I met her I knew she smoked but I though "hey,if she doesnt do it with me or before seeing me,i dont mind,as long as I dont see her under that influence im good" thing is I would tell her to not do it and she would still do it right before seeing me. Then summer came,I left for Spain,she stayed here for 2 weeks ,I would call her & all we would do was fight.Im a VERY jealous person,I have seen so many things that Im convinced that almost 99.9% of the population are cheaters! (i know i have to work on that!) so yeah,summer was hell,when I came back to my country she was still at Cuba,we would RARELY talk for the next 2 weeks & I was starting to have anxiety attacks & was worried & sad all the time,when she came I had formed this thing in my head were I had pretty much convinced myself that she had totally cheated on me or something cause one time we had talked on FB and she told me "im partying & drinking alot,like every day" & that totally fu&ed up with my head,so when she came I picked her up at the airport where I had been waiting almost 8 hrs cause I had the flight schedule all wrong,when she arrived they stopped her to double check her laugage so she was sort of in trouble,it was a mess & I was so pissed than when she got to me I just gave her a peck and told her to grab her things and go,she was completely sttuned,long story short all we did that weekend (we stayed at a hotel) was fight. That's when things started to get ugly,the next week she started treating me like crap,all cause she was mad at me for her "welcoming back home" and i kept asking her what was going on cause I couldnt believe she was treating me like that just cause of that,I tried to make it up to her with many many details but she didn’t seem to forgive me,thing is i ended it for the first time cause I was all depressed all the time,I lost 5 pounds in one week! We got back after like 2 days or something but things just kept getting worse.I try to live my life as healthy as possible,I try to associate myself with good people & try not to do things that would hurt me or those around me.When I first met her I told her I didnt drink,my mom was an alcoholic for 17 yrs & I was the one who witnessed all of that so u see its not an easy thing for me,just the smell of alcohol to me is nauseating,I don’t smoke or do drugs & before meeting her I used to party & hang out every weekend, but I wanted to be stable & be in a relationship,so she was "fine" with that but then I started noticing that she would smoke right before seeing me,even if she knew how bad it pissed me off & whenever we would go out she would drink,not to get drunk but got tipsy,wich pissed me off. She wanted to get to a "happy medium" were she could drink 3 drinks & I wouldnt make a face or get mad,but thing is by the 3rd drink she would be tipsy! so that didnt work,her ex kept calling & texting,we would be argueing al the time,I would leave her (sometimes by the phone,text or fb once) we had pretty bad arguements were I exploded & broke it up right then & there,didnt matter if she was in person,wich I know its not very nice :/ but I had already lost my faith in the relationship.We would argue,I would leave,then a week later she convinced me to be back.I started checking her phone & I discovered some texts with a friend of hers who she met while being with me,& I didnt like this chick much,even if she was "straight & not interested" but still it anoyed me.She was calling her "my lil walrus" & complaining because she was going over to her country (this friend of hers moved to another country) & she wasnt "excited about her spending the summer next to her" see,to me that made me go bananas cause I dont talk like that to "just friends" I know they were talking about this chick's crush blah blah and they were just talking as friends but STILL it bothered me that she was talking to her in that tone,it sounds as more than it really is!! Thing is,neither do my friends or my family like her cause of all of our issues fights makeups/breakups etc etc. I once found that her ex was sending her messages on her FB & she was responding to them,nothing romantic,but still,If u want ur ex out of ur life u dont respond to her/his messages u know? that will only give her an oportunity to keep talking. We had that big fight over the messages I found & then we stayed over a weekend at a hotel ,things were clearly weird between us,she has always been an outdoorsy type of person while im more calmed/indoors/stable/slow paced type of person & we clash in every aspect. That weekend I wanted to stay in and enjoy our eachothers company but she was more interested in doing every other thing than being there alone with me..We're still a colony & we have been many years,this wont change,but shes part of a small group of "revolutionists" who believe this could change blah blah blah,we buttheads over this & many other thing like this all the time.I got tired of this & I got tired of her "partying" habits. On January we had to music party/events/festivals coming over & I didnt want to go,Im not partying anymore like I said,but she wanted to go to both,she wants to do everything! and that week she was going to one of them then 2 weeks later she was going to the other one and include local music shows etc etc all of this just gives me anxiety & makes me feel like im not a part of her life since I really dont feel we were friends,its like she always lived this life & I lived mines.Plus she has this friends who do all kinds of drugs & shit,they’re not good or healthy ppl so I broke it up two months ago because of all those reasons one night were I couldnt handle it anymore over the phone. We rarely spoke afterwards,we met only once to exchange our things and we didnt even speak.I found out she was still hanging out and going to parties so Ive been trying to move on but last friday she reapeared on my life saying she was going to therapy and was taking antidepressants (she was diagnosed with "clinically depression") and that she had reduced the whole pot smoking thing and had stopped drinking,not because she wanted to but she was doing it,so she was proposing that since she had made the changes I should atleast concider "dating her" to see for myself all of the changes,I said I would think about it. I met with her on Sunday & we had a couple of more arguements but I ended agreeing to "dating her" all tho I told her I didnt want her to get her hopes up & neither do I.I said yes because I screwed up,I left her over the phone & how do u reject someone whos been making the changes you've asked for? I dont know,we have talked this last 2 nights but I just dont feel like im doing the right thing. I felt like this wasn’t going anywhere for more than half of the relationship,& I still feel the same,but sometimes I wonder & think “maybe it will be different this time”then I think about everything that has happened & I say just leave but,I dont know what to do! help??

posted Mar 6, 2012

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ok it is super super long!!! im so sorry!!!! >.<

posted Mar 6, 2012

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I definitely understand why you decided to get back together with her, even if you think it's kinda silly that you're doing it. I can tell she's important to you, even though you two don't always get along.

It does seem like she's going pretty far out of her way to change herself, and that's a really honourable thing. So I think it's good that you're giving her a chance, and it's also good that you're telling her not to get her hopes up too much.

I think the best thing that you can do with your ex is give her little tests. Tell her how she can do better in the relationship, and then sit back and let her do the work. For instance, if you want her to talk to you more, tell her so. Then wait for her to open conversation, and be a good girlfriend. If she really cares about you, she'll make the extra effort. If she doesn't do a good job, tell her she needs to try harder (don't be too mean though).

Then, after a short time, you can make a judgement over whether or not she's putting enough effort into your relationship. I think this is a good thing, though. Give her a chance. At least this way, if you give her this one last chance to try and win your heart and improve in your relationship, you won't regret a future break up. If things don't work out, that's just the way the world works. But it might work! Just give it a little more time, one last time. :]

And always remember, if you disagree with me, TRUST YOUR INSTINCT. Because you know yourself and your life better than I do. If you think you need to do something for yourself, do it. Your brain is the best advice giver on the planet. :3 Good luck.

posted Mar 6, 2012

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Hey Chris,sorry again for the long long paragraph,plus I know my english isnt the best lol.

Aniways,thanks a lot for your encouragement and your advice,it does seem like a good idea,& I was actually considering this but you see,today,after I read what you wrote we met up & first thing she asked me was if I wanted to go to the movies with her to see a comedy movie,I agreed and she just blatantly asked me "you think you can smoke before going?" C'MON!!!! I mean,WTF? Is this the same person that I talked to on friday who was telling me she was quitting the pot & the drinking? Later tonight she sent me a picture of some flowers over the phone,I asked her "what's that suposed to mean?" she just responded "nothing,I just took a picture and felt like sending it" Can you tell me im wrong for expecting atleast a lil message saying "hey baby,just saw them & thought of you" or some cliche' like "I saw how pretty they are but not as much as you" ? ANYTHING !!!!! you see,its like she doesnt put much effort into things! I told her like man It would've been nice to recieve a lil message like that,she just got mad cause "i only see the bad parts" its not even like that,its like "do things as good as you would do the things that u're pasionate about!" not just "ok". Ugh... Im sorry,guess Im just ranting,but I really dont think I'm going to last past Thursday :/

posted Mar 7, 2012

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So I was just puttering about, doing nothing in particular, and looked at the stats of this thread. At the time of writing this, it reads that there are 913 comments (not counting this one), and 24,436 views. With basic math, that means I've helped with approximately 400+ different relationship situations, hearing very few "this advice went terribly wrong!" aftermath stories. And I don't know how accurate this is, but apparently you can find this thread linked on the second page of Google.

That is like, MINDBLOWING to me. When I started this, I didn't expect anybody to ever need advice. :P But I'm really glad to have been able to help y'all however I can.

posted Mar 10, 2012

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Okay...so this is the typical best friend/boyfriend situation... My best friend basically hates my boyfriend, and i don't know why. She bitches about him all the time right in front of me, saying things such as 'he's taking you away from me', 'he's just so stuck up', and 'I thought you had standards.'

This feels so horrible. They both mean so, so much to me..I have tried talking to her about it and she always says she'll try and stop with the nasty things she's saying, but the comments seem to happen every day. She has upset me so much about it in the past, and i try to ignore it now because it just seems like she doesn't care about how it's making me feel. She can have her own opinions of him, i honestly don't care if she likes him or not because i'm happy, but it's the fact that she won't give me reasons for not liking him, and she seems to do it to rub it in my face.

Despite all this, she is my best friend and i love her to pieces, she has helped me through so much and i really need her. I just don't know what to do anymore...There is absolutely no way i would be able to choose between them, they are both so important in my life. I'm worried that her not liking my boyfriend is going to affect our relationship, because he has already said various times that he feels like it's his fault and that he doesn't want to get between our friendship. I just don't know what's going on any more...She hasn't said anything for a few days, but i can tell that the situation is bothering my boyfriend, and i just want them both to be happy. I can't be around my best friend and my boyfriend at the same time any more, and the situation is just getting ridiculous. What do i do?

posted Mar 13, 2012

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You have to get the reasons for why your friend doesn't like your boyfriend. This will determine the course of action you should take. I can relate to this situation - I cannot STAND my best friend's boyfriend. But I definitely have my reasons, and I make those very clear to her. Because of that, she knows to keep us away from each other, and doesn't let it bother her relationship.

When you find out WHY she doesn't like him, you may be able to do the same thing. Maybe she has really good reasons for not liking him. Maybe these are reasons she should share with you, to help you make a more well-rounded decision on your own relationship (in the same way as critique can help you make artwork better, if you understand my meaning).

On the other hand, she could just be being petty and jealous. And if she can't think of any legit answers for why she doesn't like him, this is probably the case. And if this is the case, you know now to factor out her opinion from the equation of your boyfriend and relationship. Your boyfriend doesn't have to give her opinion any mind, because it's superfluous, and has no bearing on your actual relationship.

posted Mar 13, 2012

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Okay, so me and my boyfriend(i think) well we dated for a little over 9 1/2 months. And we went through so much, and whenever we would try to breakup or talk about it, we would stop and realize that it wasnt what we wanted. And just recently, 2months ago he moved to Vegas &well its been hard, but weve managed to push through until a couple days ago. He decided to break up with me. &hes coming down to visit in a little over a week.
and he said he wanted to talk about "us"&everything in person.
and whenever we text, its pointless, whenever I mention something about "us" he starts to ignore me. And the only thing hes said since weve broken up, is that he feels lonely without me. And I tols him, to be with me&he wouldnt have to be. But he said he didnt know what he wanted to do. And I told him, if I shouldnt text him&give him his space&he said that itd make things worse. But, I cant talk about us, because then hell ignore me. And i have no idea, what hes thinking and idk what he wants to talk about when he visits. Idk, if I should try to let go now or wait to see what he says. Because, I dont wanna get my hopes up for nothing.
and we had reserved to stay in san francisoon our 1 yr, and I asked him if I should cancel. And he said to wait until he visits. And I just dont know what to do. He still says goodnight, everynight. But idk what all this means :(

posted Mar 27, 2012

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I agree with your guy: just wait. He might just be going through a phase, or he might be serious, but at this point there's no way to distinguish what he wants, and he's not revealing anything until he gets there.

A week is short. Just temper yourself, be patient, and wait for this all to play out. There's really no point in me advising you at THIS point, right now, because it'll all be relative guesswork, and guessing what might happen won't do you any legitimate good. It would just make you over-analyze everything and worry even more than you already are.

I know things are stressful and sucky right now. :\ It's just how these things go. Don't lose hope yet! There's no sense in reacting in a situation where the best reaction is to do nothing. "Dumping" him before you two have a legit talk will only make things 10x worse, when maybe there is no "real" problem at all.

Just let him come home, talk to him, and try to figure out what's wrong. You know what you want - you want him - so fight for that. Be strong, and be brave, and hopefully you two can work things out. If not, that's just part of life. But I'll be here if you need more help after everything happens. :] Good luck.

posted Mar 28, 2012

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Hey Chris, funnily enough that is the name of the person I like. I'd ask you for advice but my situation is pretty stupid and embarrassing and I wouldn't want to bore you with my problems, ha.

posted Mar 28, 2012

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No problem is stupid nor embarrassing. Problems are difficulties, all of which have a simple answer. :] If you need to talk privately, throw me a message.

posted Mar 28, 2012

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Hey Chris! It has been a while since I have felt this way, and by that I mean 3 years. There's this guy that is 8 years older than me and I really really like him. He works at the café that I frequently visit and he is the really flirty type, but he is european so it is almost common. He winks at women and smiles at them, but it's seems like he's been a little extra flirty with me and has a little more interest. He asked for my name, age and what school I attend. And one day I came in the shop hungover and he said that we should go drinking together sometime, and on top of that whenever I am in the café he looks at me and winks or smiles or comes to see what I am up to. I guess my question is, how should I approach him? Should I be careful because of the age difference? Am I looking into things a bit too hard because we barely have a relationship apart from eye contact? I am so confused and I do not know what to do! Haha, please help.

posted Mar 29, 2012

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Are you looking into things a bit too hard? Yes. Is this a bad thing? No. :]

How to approach this situation, however, is a more difficult question to answer. But you seem to have an easy avenue to get more acquainted with him. We don't know if he likes you or not. But he has extended the offer for you two to hang out, one-on-one, on a personal level. This is a good sign, and a friendly invitation. Take it.

Should you be careful of the age difference? Yeah, I guess. Normally I'm one of those folks who say "age is just a number." Most of my girl friends are in your shoes, dating guys who are almost a decade older than them, but you don't see them worrying about it. I think you're giving it just enough worry. You're not an adult yet (if 17 is in fact your age). He is. That means you two have widely differing viewpoints. There is ground to worry.

But I think acknowledging the age difference, and the fact that there are extreme differences, is the perfect amount of worry. Anything more and you're fretting; anything less, and you're not being realistic. You acknowledge that he's older, and acknowledge the age difference might bring baggage to a potential relationship. That is mature, that is being realistic, and that is as far as you need to worry. :]

Try and get a date or something with him. Try to do it in a public place, and PREFERABLY, try not to get drunk with him on the first date. A nice dinner or something would be ideal. Think of it as wading in the shallow end before diving into the deeper part of the pool. If he's not a freak on the first date, he probably won't be much different on the second. And if he IS secretly a weirdo, you'll have learned straight-off before getting more involved, no harm nor foul. Give it a shot! :D Good luck.

posted Mar 29, 2012

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hi chris. so my problem is , emm i still in love with my ex, hes my first love actually, and i cant move on, i already try to have a relationship with another boy, but in the end i broke up with him because i still remember about my first love, its been 5 years, since i was in junior high school, and now i am waiting to go to college. and recently he always text me everyday, and sometimes we do video camera. do you think hes in love with me again? thanks a lot chris! ;D

posted Apr 6, 2012

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Hey, so my boyfriend, who I asked about a few weeks back, and I just broke up this past Tuesday. He had found out that he was getting an internship in Cape Cod this summer, and will be living there. (It's about a 2 to 3 hour drive.) Also, next Friday I am leaving for a school trip to England and won't be back til April 30. He leaves for Cape Cod the end of May, and then the end of August I leave for college in Amherst which is another 2 hours away. Obviously, it is not realistic for us to continue dating with us being apart all summer and then for the next four years while I'm at college.

He wants to focus on his future career and cannot be hindered by a relationship, and he ended things Tuesday because he said he could not continue being in a relationship he knew was doomed to end, and he did not want us to get more attached. I couldn't stop crying, and this upset him so much that he started crying. We were both holding eachother and falling apart. This sounds so pathetic I know; it's just that we both really like eachother and it sucks that life seems to be preventing us from being together. He told me that no one has ever cared about him in the way that I do, and he feels like he's ruining his life by ending things, but that he respects me too much to drag me on with me. We are going completely different places in life, have different viewpoints on everything, and I'm going off to college and need to experience life on my own and learn about myself.

I am just so scared and empty, and I feel as if I've lost my best friend. I was wondering if you thought this would be a good idea or a terrible one: us hanging out and doing couple-y things? I know it sounds foolish, and I should just accept the fact that we are not meant to be, and start trying to forget him. I just feel as if it's stupid to not do something that makes both of us happy, why can't we just cherish the short time we have left together? He told me this would be a bad idea because I care too much about him I'll just get more hurt. But I don't know. We already broke up so it's not like we have to end things again, and I understand that he's leaving the end of May. I'll just face that when I have to. Why can't I just have a few more days to be with someone who makes me happy? We never know what could possibly happen in the future some day, either.

posted Apr 7, 2012

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I can't really say whether he is in love with your or not. The best thing you can possibly do is try to ask him how he feels about you. Just be sure that you're prepared to get back with an ex, if that's really what you want to do; if you do end up back together with him, don't let your history together blind you. Good luck!

posted Apr 9, 2012

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Do I think you two acting like a couple would be a good or bad idea? Simple answer: I think it's a bad idea. Complicated answer, I think this is a good idea.

I think he's entirely right in thinking that you're too attached, and that it's a bad idea. Because you sound pretty attached, and I can't imagine that the time you spend together now that you broke up will be as enjoyable as you think it might be. That might be a case of wishful expectation, if you know what I mean.

On the other hand, I think you're entirely right. If you think you're mature enough to handle being a couple, no strings attached, for a few more days, I feel you're entitled to it.

So this is an issue that I'm going to toss back to you, as I cannot make the decision for you. All I say is this: if you do choose to be romantic with him, understand fully that the moment you too leave, THIS WILL HURT. It will hurt REALLY bad, more than you can probably realize. And it probably won't hit you right away. It'll simmer, and then a few days, a week, a month later, it'll all rush down upon you and slap you in the face. It won't be fun. But if you think the reward is worth the suck, then maybe that's something you want. Just remember Newton's Third Law: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

posted Apr 9, 2012

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ok, here's my problem. i left my boyfriend because i felt like i was in some kind of a birdcage and i coulnd't feel free enough. of course i'm young and all, and so is he, too. but he was so ready to think that this is his future, with me till the day he dies. somehow that made me feel like i didn't have any other possibility. that this is it, i'm gonna spend my life with him 'cause i don't have the heart to tell him i actually would prefer being alone a while.

when i mentioned that i would like to take a break, he couldn't bare it. he just broke.
still i keep feeling bad. it felt like i had taken his whole life from him when i said i couldn't do this anymore. we were together almost three years and i feel like he's my best friend and he really doesn't have anyone else to share his thoughts with. except for his mother but that's not the same thing than a friend :D

ohhh how can i, a person who's this emotional, stick to my decision?? i mean, i feel like i should just run from him and tell him that everything is alright and i didn't mean what i said. i know this is stupid question and isn't an actual relationship problem. but... WHY CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? why did he become so addached to me?

posted Apr 9, 2012

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Why is he so attached? Well, bluntly, it's the whole relationship for 3 years thing. Some people don't want difference; some people don't need freedom. Some people get together with others for the long haul, not little bouts of happiness. Long lasting love is fulfilling in a very unique, special way.

This is why he can't just be friends. He's hooked on you. Dare I say he loves you? He wants to be with you, outwardly. The fact that you severed that connection with him must be really painful, as he sees it as a complete upheaval of everything that made him happy and comfortable.

Love is, in and of itself, kinda stupid when you think about it. There no rule of nature that says humans should be monogamous; it's just something that we enjoy doing. So I understand how you felt trapped in the relationship, and I totally get that you wanted to break things off because you weren't ready to settle down for the rest of your life. It's just one of those decisions you have to live with, I'm sorry to say, and there's no real straight answer that fixes anything.

posted Apr 15, 2012

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thanks for your answer, chrish! during this week i've learned that these things take time and the painful conversations are part of it. i guess that because this is very new to me, too (never broke up with anyone before) i was in some kind of a shock or something. oh well, i guess this is life and i'm sure that while i'm growing up and finding myself, he learns to live without me and understands that he really deserves someone who wants the same things than him. :)

(your smart answer made me feel a bit stupid hahaha, but still, thank you for that!)

posted Apr 15, 2012

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Hey! Alright, well I've been hanging out with this skater/dealer haha and it's obvious we like each other etc. So, this past weekend we hooked up(I initiated it) and we've still been texting and flirting and whatnot but the only times we ever hang is like past 2am which is so annoyinggggg! he says he just gets busy dealing but thats not a 9-5 job lol

helppppppp.

posted Apr 16, 2012

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Well... I think the obvious advice would be "Please no date the illegal narcotics purveyor" But if that's all I said, I'm pretty sure you'd just ignore me. :P

Your only real options are to either convince him to get a more legit job (this will take awhile, and a lot of commitment, patience, understanding, maturity, and decisiveness on your part). Or you can convince him that if he wants you, he needs to give you the time you deserve. You're already proving that he's worth your time; now you need to be dually compensated.

Just remember, whatever you end up doing, don't let him use you, stringing you along as applies to his schedule, no matter what his excuses might be. Nobody deserves that sort of treatment.

posted Apr 17, 2012

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So I feel like I'm clutching at straws here, but is there an easy way to ask a guy how he feels about you? I feel like a love-sick teenager again!

posted Apr 19, 2012

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There is an easy way, and the wonderful author, John Green, summarized it best: USE YOUR WORDS. Just ask him! Seriously, that's it. You say "DO YOU LIKE ME?" He will give you one of three answers.

1) He will stammer like an idiot, and say nothing intelligible. This will tell you he's probably shy or noncommittal, and you can proceed forward from there, despite the awkwardness, given your newfound knowledge.

2) He will say he doesn't like you, and then you will know how to proceed.

3) He will say he does like you, and hopefully you kiss and stuff.

I know it's awkward, I know it feels hard, and I know you don't want to do it. But if you want EASY, just do it. It's as easy as it gets, it gets the job done extremely fast and very efficiently, and there will veryveryvery rarely be ambiguity in the response. It also has a strong history of leading to make-outs, which is an added plus.

posted Apr 20, 2012

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Hmm perhaps I should have included more detail. I'm aware that he likes me to a certain extent, as in we have already made out and ummm...stuff, it's more the moving on from liking me enough to make out & stuff to being my boyfriend that I'm interested in! Also, it doesn't help that he lives a fair distance away and most of our conversation is not had in person. Thus further complicating the situation, ie even if we both like each other, it may not necessarily "work". Argh. I feel like things like this should have become easier by now!

posted Apr 20, 2012

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Once again, USE YOUR WORDS. You can ponder the different way you could get together, or how much he likes you, or what stuff you've done, for the rest of time. Or you could just ask him if he'd like to be in a relationship with you. He'll either say yes, no, or "I dunno," and you'll have a clear road with which to move forward after you receive his answer.

Quit overthinking things. If you want this, JUST DO IT.

posted Apr 20, 2012

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I need to write out that last line & frame it, good motto.

So we sort of spoke a bit about it on Friday. As we live 70miles apart it was via text which sucks. He likes me, but has various (unfortunately valid) reasons for being apprehensive about taking it any further. Thing is, I guess when I properly consider it, I'm not 100% a relationship with him IS the best idea, I just seem to let my imagination run away with me!

Thanks for the pep-talk/advice though!

posted Apr 22, 2012

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Oh guys i think this is the right forum for me :(

posted Apr 23, 2012

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Okay even my ‘problem’ is pretty silly, I guess it is also going to be a long story haha sorry.
Right, there is this guy, who I know for a year now or something. I didn’t like him at first, I did like his style clothing but I din’t felt really attracted to him. It looked that he was interested in me though, but I never really responded.
But now, 2 months ago or something on a party friends kept telling me that we would be so cute together and stuff and well I started to look at him in a different way, and I started to like him, and now I think I'm even in love with him..
But now the problem, it doesn’t look like he is interested in me anymore.. bwaah. I whatsapp with him sometimes but I don’t see him in real life much and when I see him we never talk. It actually looks like he doesn’t dare to talk to me in real life when his friends are aroumd.
I just want to tell him what I feel about him and if he feels the same way, but there is never a moment that is possible to just talk with the two of us, there isn’t even a moment to check out if he gives signs or responds on any signs of me. So I just get a little, well desperate is big word, but I just don’t know what to do really. I’m afraid that because I never see him he soon will meet another girl which he likes and then it is too late.. But now, do you have maybe any tips how I can get his attention? Or how I.. well get in contact with him? I just feel like this silly highschool thing where you smile when you meet in the hallway but never actually connect with each other haha. But ok, it is already nice that I can tell my story to someone else than my friends, because they know him and I’m just a little shy to tell them. Thaaanks.

posted Apr 24, 2012

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While you might not enjoy it, the best advice I can give you is: go up and talk to him. Ignore the people whom may be around him, ignore and worried feelings you have, and just talk to him. Ask him what he thinks; alternatively, tell him that you like him and ask him out for coffee or something.

There are little things you could do to "give him a sign," but there are two problems with this method. Firstly, it seems like the time has passed. If you don't get many chances to be around each other, and he isn't actively pursuing you, then you don't really have the luxury of time to "convince" him with signals and signs. Secondly, the fact of the matter is that most guys don't understand girls' signals. When a girl sends a guy a signal, unless he's particularly savvy, he'll almost always miss it. Getting guys to respond to signals is cute and romantic, but not very useful most of the time.

Talk to him. I know it'll be difficult for you, but you'll get your answer right away, and you won't have any confusion by his response (hopefully). Your alternative is to bide your time, whereupon like you say, some other girl will attract his attentions, and you'll miss your chance. It's now or never if you really want to prove that you can do this!

posted Apr 24, 2012

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whaa yeah I think you're right.. Hmmmm don't know, I would be so cool if I would just do it but I'm not sure if I dare haha. But thank you very much! I'm happy I could just spill my heart out :)

posted 30 days ago

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my problem is lame and complicated at best. but here's the condensed version: shy, black, nerdy, socially awkward and into interracial dating. (good luck)

both guys who i liked in the past--and who stood an actual chance at being my boyfriend--turned out to be duds. one chose a slutty girl over me, the other--who i had MAD chemistry with and who i know liked me back--ignored me after a while. and i haven't had any prospects since. i sometimes attribute this to my lack of putting out, possible unattractiveness due to my race, and complete distaste of bros, thugs (the guys i'm supposed to settle for because we all know black women are just sooo fucked when it comes to love) and guys who are fucking stupid. never had a man, approaching 21, and my sex life is now being compromised. i want to lose my virginity already because my hormones are killing me and keeping me up at night, and there's a guy who i don't have any feelings for (because if i did, this would complicate everything) but it kind of makes me feel shitty that i'm sacrificing my original promise to myself that i'd wait for a boyfriend because that's not gonna happen at this point. and sometimes i think it never will. so how long can i repress my sex life just because i can't find anyone who's worth it? (again, good luck trying to come up with an answer to this.)

posted 27 days ago

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Firstly, quash those feeling that being black, nerdy, or into interracial dating are a problem in the first place. Your race is not a problem, your interests are not a problem, and your dating pool is not a problem. Don't even go there. :P

The shy and socially awkward... well... that's a debatable problem. I can relate, and it's really hard to meet people sometimes. Especially when you have standards such as you do (and, to be clear, you have good standards. You shouldn't be with someone you don't straight up like, and if you're not into stupid guys, high fives for you!). The fact that you do have problems interacting with people is something you're going to have to deal with at some point, and there are no "right" ways to deal with that.

About your virginity, I can understand that huge desire to lose it. What you should remember is that it's only as special as you make it. Personally, I do think the first time should be... you know, something special. But that doesn't mean with a boyfriend! If you like someone, and are willing to sleep with them, and you won't regret it in a year, or five, or ten, go for it. That experience and self-confidence boost goes a long way. Conversely, if you want to wait for a committed relationship because you feel it honestly is important (this is the route I took), than wait - it'll happen eventually, and it'll be that much better in the long run because you will be pleased with your decision.

To the heart of the issue: you need to meet people. You're doing something funky, and it's hard to say what. It's entirely possible that you are simply having some bad luck, and that you're doing everything right (I can relate to that as well). But you live in one of the greatest cities on the planet! There is so much to do in Chicago, and there are approximately 5mil people the immediate area of the city; SOMEONE out there has to be your type AND a decent guy.

The best thing you can really do is continue to put yourself out there. Go out to coffee shops, maybe even to bars when you're legal, if you want. Enjoy yourself, have fun, and let guys hit on you. If you like one of them, chat them up, see if they're worthy, and go from there. If you see one you like that isn't talking to you, don't be shy! Go and talk to them - I can almost guarantee they'll do most of the work for you, and the stupid awkward feelings of talking to a stranger will disappear after a few minutes. The fact is, the more public you are, the more boys you'll be exposed to; the more boys you're exposed to, the more likely you will meet someone nice. You also have to remember, however, not to be too picky. I'm not saying to settle for a guy you don't like. But nobody is 100% perfect either. Just be aware of that, and don't turn down an otherwise nice guy because of one or two flaws. Unless they're like, "kills women in a dark alley" type of flaw.

If you want to save your virginity for a boyfriend, that's awesome, and I totally respect it. If it gets to a point where your lack of a sex life is sincerely messing with your emotions and mental state, then... maybe it's time to rethink your desires. That is something you have to come to terms with on your own time, but as a final word, I say this: remember that people have A LOT OF SEX throughout their lives. I used to have no sex life back in high school, for a lot of the same reasons you're having trouble with. Then things changed, just like that. Sex is a moment, but decisions are a lifetime. Don't compromise a long-term decision for a fleeting moment; don't waste your virginity on someone if you feel it's something that ought not be wasted.

posted 27 days ago

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that's usually what everyone else says, so i guess it's true now (the meeting people part) lol. i'm working these issues out with my therapist too so it was good to hear it from a complete stranger. thanks for the advice, chris! you're awesome!

posted 26 days ago

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youtu.be/zmWTb8mW58k

This is for anyone who's ever been told "it's not you, it's me." Listen to the song and the story, and feel better. Because whoever said that to you is a goofball. :P

posted 23 days ago

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I have a guy friend who i kind of like? he always purposely runs into me, and walks in front of me so he can push me, and like wrestle me, and he walks behind me and punches me. he just tries to get in my way, but gets offended when i do it back. once he pushed me, so i pushed back, and he grabbed me and started wrestling me, and grabbing my waist. we were texting once and i was telling him he should date this one girl, and somehow we got on the topic of me not thinking i'm pretty, and he was like you're pretty. and i was like lol liar. and he said "stop, you're pretty in a quirky unique way." then. yesterday, we had a track meet, and he was telling us how he knows everyone's times in their races, and he said "you throw shot put 25 feet" and i was like "that's creepy, i actually do!" assuming he took a good guess. and he was like "no i actually knew that. last year at this meet you ran 14.5 seconds in your 100 meter dash." that was what i ran though, so i asked why he knew that. and he told me i was the only person other than him running it last year. so i asked him what i run my 100 meter hurdles in, he said 17-18 seconds, that's right. and i asked about my 400 meter hurdles, he said 83 seconds, spot on. Later we were messing around tickling him, and he said "next person who tickles me is getting punched." so my friend tickled him, and he punched her. I said "you won't punch me" and tickled him. he didn't punch me, he grabbed both my hands and held them, not in a rough way, like he was making me stop, but in a gentle way, so i pulled them away easily. but i kept tickling him, and every time, he grabbed my hands and held them until i pulled away. today, at our meet, i was sitting down and just staring out the ground. i'm usually loud and being crazy, rarely sitting. and the guy comes up and he says "what are you doing?" and i was like what? and he said "are you okay? you're just all alone staring at the ground, and you're usually talking." and at one point he put his hand out towards me, and i put my hand up to it, and he began to locks his fingers with mine but stopped and walked away.

posted 19 days ago

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Very cute story. :] Sounds like he has a crush on you. Try asking him on a date or something. Sounds like you two would hit it off well.

posted 18 days ago

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yes sorry i realize i didn't really specify my reason for writing it, i was just wondering if he seemed interested in me. i thought maybe he might but i don't know i'm not good with reading signs

posted 18 days ago

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I think all the things you listed are signs, and all the things you think are flirts are flirts. Go for it. :] Worst case scenario is he says he doesn't like you, and at least you'll know now rather than later.

posted 18 days ago

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I'm a rock musician. My "type" is basically guy friends and other musicians, so I keep finding myself in situations where I'm attracted to/develop feelings for bandmates. How can I stop this from happening, other than starting an all-girl band? Or should I just let it happen and try to not let that get in the way of the band dynamic? Hell, maybe it could end up in a second "Rumours" or something, I don't know. But that would be really awkward. Damn.

Any advice?

posted 14 days ago

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Simple advice: KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS. :P

Rock star or not, a band is a business. So look at it in business terms. Normal companies have fraternization policies, which say it's not okay to get romantic with business partners, because it ruins the team-dynamic of the business. These policies say "date outside of our business, please. While you work here, keep it casual." If you want things to stay professional, date other people.

If you don't care about that, and don't mind dating band members, then date them. As you said, as long as you can keep it at a point where it doesn't mess up the band, it's all good. Nobody likes a Yoko. If you make it clear at the very beginning that you are not the band, and that they need to understand that your romance and their feeling are not part of the band either.

Just remember, there are lots of fish in the sea. And a lot of those fish are in bands that aren't your own. If you're attracted to rock stars, flirt with them. :P If they're in your band, realize that it couldmake things fickle.

posted 14 days ago

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Wauw you're really great! (:
I'm totally asking your advice when I need some!

posted 7 days ago

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My first relationship ever ended on Valentine's Day. Hence, my first heartbreak. (My friends joked around that he probably didn't have a gift to give.) Originally he wanted to take a break, but "taking a break" was unclear to me. It was either we're still together or we're done. I just didn't understand why he didn't confront to me if something was wrong. We could of tried to fix it before suggesting to take a break. He just told me we weren't connecting. For several weeks, I was heartbroken and I felt lost. It was like I forgot who I was as a person. I thought I would be able to handle it, but I didn't think it'd hurt like that. It was sort of new to me. So that's how it's like to lose someone you've grown attached to. I did get over him eventually. I kept myself occupied with sports and clubs. I got rid of the texts and photos that reminded me of what we once had. Everyday I'd write something positive about/to myself. "You're an apple at the top of the tree." ^^ Then I found myself smiling one day because I found who I was again. Because we were in drama club together I saw him several times a week, especially since our show was coming up. He'd come up to me on occasions and say "Hello", but it was still awkward. I overheard him saying he wanted to sabotage me and this guy I was hugging. The guy was just a good friend of mine. He also was bothered and jealous of my dance partner. I didn't understand since we were already broken up. I asked him if we could just go back to the time when I said he was my best friend, he said he wants to, but claims that he still has feelings for me. This confused me a bit, if he had feelings for me why did he just left things to fall apart? I still tried to be friends with him, it was the only way I could be close to him. But he ignored and avoided me. So then I gave up; I was tired of trying so hard. So I continued the process of getting over him. I left the country for a month with my family. I did some bonding time with my family I haven't seen in like 8 years. I didn't think about him. I was so occupied with my family, I enjoyed myself. My family is so important to me, that I will do anything for their well-being. Coming back, I was over him, not even thinking about him. 'Til the first day back, he came up to me and greeted me, asking how everything was. At first I was surprised, but I still greeted him, just not overly friendly. After that I haven't talked to him, seen him, thought of him. Though one day he just appears out of no where asking me if things were awkward between us, if I was avoiding him. I gave him my honest answers. I didn't feel awkward and I wasn't purposely avoiding him. We haven't talked in weeks and he's making us not being friends an issue now. I didn't understand why now, why is it now a problem? I already tried to be friends before, but I gave up because I kept getting ignored. We then had this whole arguement. It's just stressful. I don't know what he's thinking. I thought we were done, so why did he appear infront of me again? Now it's getting awkward again.. -_-

posted 3 days ago

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Sounds like a pretty typical break-up, honestly. And you had a very healthy reaction to it, by slowly distancing yourself, reinforcing your self-worth, and coming to terms with the whole thing. Well done! You're very smart, and know how to take care of yourself. :]

The actions of your ex express an extreme case of possessiveness on his part. He probably thought he was making this great plan to ditch you aside so he could be single and mingle and all that jazz. While you were grieving, he was probably doing his own thing. But when you two finally saw each other again, and he saw you close to other guys (even though it wasn't romantic), he became jealous and obsessive. His recent actions replicate this trend. I think it's just part of his personality. Anything you do that "ignores" him is seen as an insult, because you are not "his," and anything you do that is not romantic or with full association to him as a person is seen as you "slipping away" or you "being awkward."

Essentially, he's trying to guilt trip you into feeling bad so you might give him a second chance. Don't let him. He's being immature, and you're better than that. If he has a brain, he'll move on after awhile of this stupidity. If not, tell him he's being stupid. Hopefully he'll get the message. The ball is in his court, and you've done the hard work of moving on. :] Keep your head up, and don't let him bother you. He's not your responsibility.

posted 3 days ago

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Thank you so much for the advice! :) It helped clear my thoughts like alot. I agree with what you said about him, I deserve so much better. Your advice makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing. You're brilliant Chris!

posted 3 days ago

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